How to prepare for children: Buy bananas, buy five fucking bunches. Eat them all. Whatever. Just make them disappear in...Posted by Laura Mazza on Wednesday, November 6, 2019
Laura Mazza, a writer and mom of three, recently gave nonparents the lowdown on the best way to prepare for having a family. In a now-viral post on Facebook, she generously doled out some tips on how people can sneak in some practice for raising human children, and it'll have moms and dads nodding their heads between laughs.
"Buy bananas, buy five f*cking bunches. Eat them all. Whatever. Just make them disappear in a day," she wrote. "Then buy more bananas the next day. The same amount if not more...and watch them go moldy. Slowly. Say out loud 'Why doesn't anyone want the bananas now?'"
But Laura's hilarious pointers didn't stop there. Not even close. She also suggested that people "play Baby Shark on repeat for 68 hours. Every time you pick up a phone, ask someone to ask you 'can you play Baby Shark?'" Oh lord. "Watch obscure things on YouTube like freaky cartoons with catchy songs in between Baby Shark. Always go back to Baby Shark."
"Smash your toe into something really hard. Pee yourself. And now you're 10 percent ready."
She also wanted to remind nonparents that once you have a little one, they pretty much need to come everywhere with you. "Bring a bull into a supermarket with you. Let it go and apologize to people as it runs pass them, bucking [and tell them] 'he gets angry when not fed and hates movement," she wrote, adding: "Buy four pairs of huge underwear that come up to your neck, poke holes in them, wear them interchangeably. Ask your whole street for their washing, and begin doing their laundry. Ask them to wear and dirty it as soon as it's folded. Bite all the apples in your fruit bowl and put them back. Clean the house, disinfect it, then smear yogurt on the floor."
She hilariously continued: "Ask someone to cough in your eyeball. Poo with the door open. FaceTime your friends and get them to ask you about your day while you strain. Cover yourself in sour milk. Try to unwrap a lollipop in three seconds flat. Set a loud timer that screams at you if you fail. Buckle up an octopus in a car seat. Get three monkeys and drive around with them. Give them popcorn and honey. Make a snack every seven minutes."
Seems pretty daunting, huh? Imagine having to do it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. for at least 18 years when you're consistently running on virtually no sleep! "Go to bed. Get up again. Go back. Get up . . .go back, get up, go back, get up," she said. "Smash your toe into something really hard. Pee yourself. And now you're 10 percent ready."
Yep, Laura got her point across pretty dang clearly: there's no way to ever prepare for being a parent.